Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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