I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
