I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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