i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
