Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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