Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
