Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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