It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
