In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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