Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
