All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
