so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
