If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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