Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
