Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
