I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
