Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
