matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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