I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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