There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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