she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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