May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
