you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The uberlube is also flammable
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
