Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
