Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
