The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
