I should be sponsored by Trojan
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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