So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
