Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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