Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
