Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
