birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
