She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
