i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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