Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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