His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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