Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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