I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
