Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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