I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
