I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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