I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
