I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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