it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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