I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
