My liver just broke up with me...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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