Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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