Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
