just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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