My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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